there isnt enough time...

i been thinking again as usual..
make me having this sleepless nights.
there is three things make me unable to sleep at nite...
1. the pain of the stupid irritating skin
2. thoughts run through my mind
3. over tired body


for today is thoughts that is running full speed in my mind...
u know what the funny thing that i will do to make myself sleep???
tell a bed time story to myself!!
funny right??
but is not like story book kind of bed time story..
can say can be like a fairy tale story but more towards real life story..
most of the time is love..
i mean i found a gal that is perfect for me...
hahaha
all kind of funny and sweet ways..
or stories like novels.
and ofcause fact of life or what am i going to do or have to do.


for tonight, is all about what i should do, how should i make money. yesterday, after Mathew`s birthday, i took a cab back. the cab driver was telling me not to work so much, cause the money in the world is always there, need not need to work till so hard. cause in the end when u get sick or even death due to overwork, is not worth it at all. i totally understand n agrees with him, but the biggest problem about me is i always push myself to the max, or should i say i never know what is call stop.
sound like i am a working dog, cause as long as u don stop them, they will just run till they die.


but in another way, i should work hard work long, cause i don`t have the time. i not saying i dying or the world is going to end or what. i saying that my family my parents don have the time. by right i am the youngest in the family i should b enjoying alot, but just because of one person the whole family have to pay for it. by next yr, my dad`s CPF will b use up, then who is going to pay the load of the house?? yes, my dad is driving a taxi now. but as a son, i wont wan to see my own family to be so tired. not to say about the loads n alot more. there is alot of things money cant buy, but without money, there is nothing we could do.


now, i alway tell myself, i do what i do, i know what i know, i do what i MUST do, i know what i MUST know. 
fate is a thing that i am not strong at. fate is a thing i keep losing.


maybe in a way wei tian reject me is good. think of it, there isn`t enough time for her and me.
i saw this words, if i can live forever then i will fall in love with someone. at first i thought is because of lonely that why love is there. but after thinking over again and again, i start to really understand what it means. it`s saying human life is too short for feelings and life, there too much things in life we need to learn n yet we have too little time for it.


i am a very weak person, so i think i will jio wei tian is because of lonely and the need of someone there for me but ofcause i do like her that why i jio her, i do have feeling de ok!! hahaaha
or is it wei tian see it that why she reject me??? hahaha lol this is not fairy tale, in real life, there is alway more bad things then good. that why we make good things important to us. just like gold or water(in the desert) because there ain`t much that why is important.
but sometime i wish that fairytale do exists. atleast i will have more hope in life or a brighter life.. hahaha

almost a fall.. almost...

haha what the hell did i do again..

i let the person that i lik know about it??

feelin is alway a thing that i cant control!!

but again, i am happy that she knows..

cause my heart feel pain!! really pain, pain till i wan to hide away again...

hahahaha

at least i still feel pain..

is been so long since i feel anything le..

the pain at least show me that i still a human

hahaaha

lucky there is alway family to hold me back, able to let me stand up again..

i not sayin family is there for me, i mean i have to take care of my family that y i cant fall not till i clear the debts...

haix...

i really feel that she is the one that able to hold me up..

i know is kind of bad that i need her that y i lik her..

i lik her first b4 i need her..

there`s a sayin, u love her because u need her n u need her that y u love her..

it sound the sound but infact is diff!!

haix..

is kind of hit me the hardest is she tellin me she lik me as a brother de lik..

the reason y i see fact is because there is higher % of seeing the truth...

sometime i rather see hope..

but yet, hope is alway seem then b there..

she reply saying u know me for so many yrs...

what does that means???

she will still b friends with me even if i tell her i lik her??

or she just need sometime single before being attach??

or other meanin??

this is what i hate about hope, they give u all kind of answers...

good n bad...

knowing myself, i will choose the bad side..

but i really hope that is the good side!!!

seriously, i also understand why people wont lik me...

i often hide who i am.. do stupid things, and with this stupid blood problem that will make my skin to be this way!!! how many people can understand and take it??

even me myself sometime could not take it..

haix...

life is never easy for anyone at all..

haahaha

laugh is the only thing i can do to face life!!!

hahahaa

old life new time

is been a long time since i blog again...
alot of things have change le...
yet feeling is still the old self..
i got a gf le but yet..
haix..
the feelin of lost have never been lost..
is not bcuz i still have feeling for rebecca tat cause me lost..
is just tat i have lost hope in feelin..
haiz..
y will things will bcome till lik this???
my past self is fightin to get out..
no no no i should not say my past self...
should say the inner bad of me is growin..
the gd thing is i wont do things is bad..
but just relationship part will hurt someone...
haix...
i may goiin soon break up wif this gf i having now...
7 months together..
hope she can take it...

partly is bcuz of how is she is tat y i will wan a break up..
partly is bcuz i don really haf a feelin..
partly is bcuz i don haf other time for her..
she is a gd gal over all..
is just me tat y will break up...
i will make her sad n cry in future...
i don wan myself to hurt her..
no matter is breakin up or together, i will still hurt her...
y don i kill it now...
no matter wat i am alway a shadow...
no diff if i bcome a bad person...
a bad person is alway easiler to b...

i will b startin a business soon...
hopefully it will work...
if everything works, my parents will b enjoyin their life by the end of next yr if 2012 is not the end of the world...
hahahaha
i am a weird person..
as alway...
hahaha

given up.. finally..

FINALLY!!!

i put rebecca down le...

but ofcuz i do haf feeliin 4 her..

but atleast..

i put her down le..

r/s 2 me is the only thing i don haf..

tat y i want it so much..

but ppl think i despo..

ya la..

despo 4 some1 2 care 4 me la..

friends cant b alway there 4 u..

at least gf will b wif u more often n will show more care..

haix...

wat i wan is very easy n simple de...

but ppl just don understand n hear..

now i sick again...

hu is there 4 me??

haix..

i cough till i cant sleep at nite..

ltr my boss sure don care wan me go back work de..

at nite still got exam...

hahaaha

hope everytime will go well ba..

should i quit smokiin n drinkiin??

haix...

i wonder y do i write so much...

i may look lik a idiot, but i aint not one...

hu i am is hu i am...

wat the hell

wat is friendship??

seriously la..

just a simple meet up..

is it so hard..

so wat i am stranger 2 u..

since u gif me ur number n haf talk 4 sometime..

just bcome u emo, then suddenly don wan talk 2 me..

say i donno u..

so don wan talk 2 much 2 u??

n yet u say u don haf much friends..

friends is jsut a passer-by..

wtf..

wat u did 2 me..

i guess u did it 2 many ppl..

normal friends u can say i donno u tat much so i don wan talk 2 u..

how u will get true friends??

haix...

sch, life, army...

is sure so mess up..

n fuck up..

just needed some1 2 peii 2 talk 2 is it so hard??

wat the fuck...

is not lik i wan gf leh..

is i just wan a friends tat i can talk my heart out..

i try..

but yet ppl just don wan gif u a chance..

is a chance 2 b friends leh..

not gf leh..

so wat the fuck u been hurt..

u think u r the only 1 hurt b4??

just bcuz u gal u think u get the worst..

fuck la...

u protect urself..

not block out every1..

haix..

ppl nowadays really know how 2 use ppl..

u all use me i don mind at all lo..

but in return..

just peii me..

talk 2 me...

tat hard ma...

wat??

i ghost ar..

i robot is it..

i don haf feeliin meh..

does not means i don show means i don haf lo...

fuck la..

i really wan just find a gf n fuck off from others lo..

haix...

hmm.. i think i start 2 turn 2 my old life sia..

i haf done thing tat aint tat gd wif gals..

hmm..

this will hurt their feeliin...

i know i never force them or anything..

is she ok i ok de..

but yet..

i did things 2 hurt her..

haix..

this mayb a gd thing 4 me..

as i start 2 care 4 myself more..

but yet hurtiin ppl??

tat isnt the thing i wan 2 do..

i change bcuz i don wan 2 hurt myself nor others..

wat can i do??

hmmm...

i really did change..

but yet is hu i am b4..

tat aint gd at all..

ppl should move forward..

not back..

hmmm...

just hope the things i do will not harm my parents..

the wrong i did..

i bear it myself..

at least i feel sry..

tat means i haven turn 2 him yet...

which is gd..

means tat i could able 2 change back...

haix..

but means tat..

i will hurt myself??

hmmmm

i think alot of ppl will say i should just care 4 myself then others...

but yet..

i don wan 2 hurt or harm others..

wat should i do??

WAT?!?!?!?!?!

haix

hmmm should plan 4 my life le...

i should plan 4 my life le sia...

time really do fly..

now i am 21 le...

very soon i haf 2 get out 2 the world n live le...

i haf a choice...

or more then 1 instead..

i can choice 2 work part-time...

n study or i could work full time n work part-time...

alot of my friends is been askiin me 2 b in a business wif them...

weird 2 say..

they say i could b in gd help...

i wonder...

i aint rich..

nor tat smart...

but y find me??

they told me i haf a view tat no other haf...

do i??

i really don think tat way...

just tat i think deeper n more then normal ppl ba...

i bet there r much more ppl tat is able 2 do better then me outside...

there is alway this sayiin...

there is a mountain higher then another...

n there will b a sky tat is higher then mountain...

so...

there wont b a person tat is forever the top...

there will b up n downs..

i plan 2 buy a cam this yr...

then end of the yr a ipad...

or mayb a remote airplane...

the best is this 3 by this yr...

hope i can make it...